Today is a day for hating the world. If you don't like negativity, then don't read ahead.
I fucking hate all of those bastards who dare to pretend like they give a shit about me. Those idiotic, self-serving, narcissistic jerks who claim to care but never really understand. They'll tell me I'm "so brave for trying, even with [my] epilepsy," when I have to try, because it's the only way I can survive. I must fight against my epilepsy in order to live. I either do that, or suffer and die at the hands of the disease I never asked for.
They act like they can understand what it's like, what it's like to carry this constant fear, this constant dread that another seizure will be around the corner. They act like they can understand just how much the meds that are supposed to make me survive fuck up with my brain. They fuck it up so much that it barely feels like living. In fact, I think the term "surviving" is the only word I'd use to describe my current state of being. As if they'd ever understand just pure survival, even if they claim they can. The words they use, the connections they make to their own lives, it all shows they don't give a shit about me or about what I'm suffering through.
I hate it hate it hate it. I hate them all, hate their self-serving attitudes, hate how they use my attempts at being vulnerable with them in order to get me to conform, deny my fucking disability, and make me align myself with their point-of-view. My mother and grandmother only do this so I'll agree that my father is this awful, unreasoning, unfeeling monster who deserves every bit of misery that comes his way. I hate how they won't shut the fuck up about it and won't stop calling me and telling me their shitty lies about how much they love me and how awful my father is. He's the reason I'm able to have medicine and go to school, so what if he yells at bitches like you? I'm starting to think you deserve it, you whore.
I'll be honest, the only songs that I've been able to listen to today that have made me feel better about this are "You Are Known" and "The Reason For The World (Acoustic)" by Matthew West, "Adiago For Tron" from the Tron Legacy soundtrack, the opening theme to Watamote, and "Sweet Peace" by Josh White. When I listened to Watamote's opening theme, it felt like my anger was pouring out, that the hatred and rage I felt towards my tormentors, towards my brain, towards the so-called "loved ones" who've done nothing but abandon me was pouring out and emptying itself out of my heart. And then, when I sat down in class and put on "Sweet Peace," I felt like I was going to cry. Correction: I did cry, and it felt good to let out those tears. It felt like a warm hug from God himself, like, finally, someone understood, and someone was telling me it was going to be okay. Like the feelings and fears were valid, and yet I would still live on, I would still find happiness, and I was still loved and deserving of love. It was like God was telling me that the fear of failing school and the fear of my epilepsy being the reason I fail are just that: fears. And fears can be overcome.
To whoever decided to read this: thank you. It's nice to know that someone cares enough to read. This is Cosmos, signing out.